Wednesday, March 26, 2008

AAGHH (Or, a bad day for my Trichotillomania)

Today was really frustrating. I was having a really busy day, doing a LOT of reading and concentrating. Reading and concentrating are my BIGGEST pulling times. I had really intense urges to pull, and I did pull a lot. It's such an automatic behavior. I'm holding a pen in one hand; I have my other hand at my eye. I tried to resist the urge, but IT'S SO HARD. I tried bouncing my legs to do a different kind of repetitive motion, but it didn't help.

It's like my hand has a mind of its own. I look at my hairless eyelids in the mirror, and I just feel a sinking disappointment in myself. I know it's not my "fault," but it's not like there's a rope attached to my fingers tugging them to (what's left of) my eyelashes.

Sometimes it feels so hard.


holly said...

*hugs* pam, i know that feeling so well... i always get this awful feeling of self-disappointment after i've pulled. it even affects (tmi, i know, sorry) my sex drive... i have a hard time with desire after i've been pulling a lot, because i'm angry at myself, and then self-conscious about my appearance at the same time.

you know how a lot of the definitions of trich talk about pulling for some feeling afterward? i've even heard it described as euphoric. that's the reason i think a lot of the clinical stuff out there about ttm is crap... there just aren't enough people out there putting it into words like you are (i love that you're writing this blog, by the way), and the people that are certainly aren't the ones putting together these clinical definitions and everything... and even though they classify it as an impulse control disorder, they STILL need to like give us a reason to do it (this "euphoric" feeling) because nobody can understand that we literally can't control the urges.

i'm very curious to know, if you don't mind me asking, how people in your life have reacted to knowing about your trich...


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